The Distressing Destiny
by RockSunner
Summary: Sequel to The Proximate Peril, an AU in which the Baudelaires left the hotel with the taxi driver. It is full of Book 12 spoilers.
1. Doily

This is a sequel to "The Proximate Peril," in which the Baudelaires chose to leave the Hotel Denouement instead of facing the trial. All major characters belong to Daniel Handler, not me.

**Chapter 1: Doily**

There is a saying that "only the good die young," but in my years of experience as a member of a secret organization I have seen far too many die young in all moral conditions -- good, bad, or chef-salad. The more one experiences of this wicked and woeful world, the harder it becomes to remain good, so perhaps a more correct saying would be "those who die young are somewhat more likely to die good." This story contains many woeful words on the wickedness of the world, so you had best throw it away if you wish to increase your own chances of dying good.

The three Baudelaire orphans (Violet, Klaus, and Sunny), Duchess R. of Winnipeg, and I had just seen far too much death for our own good. We had failed to prevent the mass-murder by poisoned mushrooms of an entire hotel-full of people; we had failed to prevent the murder by harpoon of Justice Strauss, the only good judge on the High Court; and we had failed to prevent the accidental self-murder by gravity of Count Olaf, the villain responsible for all the other murders. We had delivered a message from the future written on a doily, and that had probably resulted in two more deaths. On top of that, we had left the Hotel Denouement, the Last Safe Place, in flames. We were not feeling good about ourselves.

"At least the Quagmire Triplets are noble," said Klaus. "I know we'll feel better once we see them."

Duncan and Isadora Quagmire had been carried off in a self-sustaining hot-air mobile home which was currently flying over the ocean, under attack by eagles and villains. The third sibling, Quigley, was trying to assist them in a helicopter. My sister Kit was going to meet Captain Widdershins to enlist his aid. The stepchildren of the Captain, Fernald and Fiona, were somewhere at sea in a submarine stolen from Count Olaf. The sea was where all the action was, and that was where we were headed.

"Queequeg?" asked Sunny. She was suggesting we take the old submarine the Baudelaires had left at Briny Beach.

"I'd rather not," said Violet. "It's hard to search for something in the air from a submarine."

"A volunteer in the coffee shop yesterday afternoon told the waitress he was going boating and he would be back for the meeting on Thursday."

"So he missed the trial -- he survived," said Klaus.

"Yes, and he has a motorboat. We may be able to find him at the Marina," said the Duchess. "I have his description."

"How do you know we can trust him?" I asked.

"The waitress checked his ankle when he asked for sugar in his coffee," Duchess R. said. "The other side of the schism kept tattooing recruits longer than we did. Given his age, the fact that he has no tattoo means he's on our side."

"Maybe," said Sunny.

We drove to the Marina in my taxi. As we drove, Klaus paged through "Odious Lusting After Finance," the comprehensive book on injustice that Justice Strauss had died holding.

"What's this?" Klaus said. He pulled out a thin, waterproof envelope stuck between the pages.

Klaus read what was written on the envelope: "Death threat? Must investigate!"

He pulled out a white Very Fancy Doily. It was the exact sort used to send messages from the future, using the Vehicle of the Fourth Dimension which was concealed in the Vessel for Disaccharides (a sugar bowl) on the seat beside me. Such messages had never been wrong.

Violet looked over his shoulder. "It's torn," she said. "It reads: '--- Baudelaire will die October 19, 2xxx'. The first name is gone."

(Note: I have suppressed the year for security reasons.)

"Tomorrow," said Sunny in a hushed voice.

"Tomorrow, one of us is going to die," said Klaus in horror.


	2. Jarvis

**Chapter 2: Jarvis**

"Who wrote the message?" Violet asked.

"I can't recognize the writing. It could be anybody in the future who wanted to warn us," said Klaus. "Justice Strauss or Jerome Squalor must have found it during their investigations."

"We don't know if the past can be changed," said Violet. "So far, these messages have only helped bring about what they tried to warn against."

"We just have to hope it can," I said.

Klaus put the doily back into the waterproof envelope and put it in his pocket for future reference.

"Going to sea to help the Quagmires will be dangerous," said the Duchess. "Are you still sure that's what you want to do?"

"Going!" said Sunny.

"That's right," said Violet. "We could die even if we stay here. If I'm going to die, I want to do it helping my friends."

"Me too!" said Klaus.

We arrived at the Marina to find very few people; a stiff breeze was whipping up the waves.

"We're looking for a short, tanned man in his twenties with a high-pitched voice," Duchess R. said. "The waitress said his name is Simon."

"Halooo Simon!" I called out.

"Haloooo!" came a high-pitched reply. A short, tanned man in his twenties jumped down from a nearby motorboat and sauntered toward us.

"I'm Jarvis Simon," the man said cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"

"The world is quiet here," I said. "We need your help with an emergency boating mission."

"It's not that quiet," Jarvis replied. "The barometric pressure's falling and the wind is picking up. It's not smart to put out to sea in this weather."

"Please, Mr. Simon," Violet said. "Our friends are in danger."

"Ah, a concierge," said Simon. "I really appreciated the service at your Hotel. The coffee-shop waitresses was a little rough when I asked for coffee with sugar, but I got a free slice of rhubarb pie out of it. Here concierge, have a tip."

He offered Violet a large bill.

"Really, there's no need," said Violet.

"Go ahead, I have plenty," said Jarvis with a wink. "Here, you other concierges, you get one too."

The Baudelaires took the money; they had been penniless so long it was a huge relief.

"Will you please help us with our mission?" Violet asked.

"A concierge in need is a concierge indeed," said Jarvis. "I'll do it."

"Does he really have anything to do with the V.F.D.?" Klaus whispered to me. "Maybe he's just a rich tourist."

"Tourists rarely find the Hotel Denouement," I told him. "Practically everyone there is an agent. But it's just possible."

We got into the motorboat and headed out into the whitecaps.

"We need to get to the Mediocre Barrier Reef to see if we can pick up the trail of my sister," I told Jarvis.

"No problem," Jarvis said.

"By the way, why did you order coffee with sugar?" asked the Duchess.

"I like sugar in my coffee. I ordered some in my tea, too, when I checked in." said Simon. "I had no idea it would upset people so."

"Tea should be bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a two-edged sword," I said.

"Different people have different tastes," Jarvis replied.

He seemed annoyed, so I left him alone at the wheel of the boat.

The boat made poor headway against the high waves. The Baudelaires, who had no sleep the previous night, curled up on seats in the back of the boat to try to rest until we got to our destination. Sad to say, the Duchess and I nodded off too.

We awoke to a howling storm in the middle of the sea. Waves crashed over the deck, soaking us. I checked my watch.

"It's a few minutes past midnight," I yelled over the wind. "We should have reached the Reef long before this. We must be lost."

"It's October 19th..." said Violet.

"Beatrices' birthday," I said.

"Day one of us dies," said Sunny.

"Hey, what's this on my uniform pocket?" said Klaus.

There was a green stain spreading there. He pulled a soggy bill out of the pocket; the ink was running.

"Money shouldn't do that," said Klaus. "It's waterproof."

"Unless it's counterfeit," said Violet. "I suddenly have a bad feeling about Mr. Jarvis Simon."

"Let's rush him," I said.

Jarvis spun around as we ran forward, a blackjack in his hand. With his hands off the wheel, the boat spun sideways to the waves. A huge wave smashed over the side. I saw the Baudelaires swept overboard, just before Jarvis was on me, swinging the blackjack hard. That's all I saw before darkness.


	3. Fiona

**Not a Chapter**

As you could tell by the end of the last chapter, the Baudelaires and I were separated again. I will continue this narration based on what I can reconstruct. Be aware that the next two chapters occur at the same time and you could read them in either order.

**Chapter 3**

The popular idea that a drowning person goes down only three times is quite untrue. Klaus, for example, went down at least five times in the cold, churning waves before he was suddenly grabbed from behind in a lifesaving hold. The person who gripped him was an expert swimmer and she towed him through the water to her boat in a matter of seconds.

Klaus shivered and coughed up water. The person brought a blanket and put it around him. At last he looked up and saw her.

"Fiona?" Klaus asked. "My sisters went overboard with me! Are they safe?"

"I saw nobody but you," Fiona said.

Klaus staggered up and looked out into the dark, thrashing water. He called out "Violet! Sunny!" for several minutes but no answer came. The warning of death wouldn't leave his mind. The note mentioned one Baudelaire, but it didn't say only one would die... Finally he turned back to Fiona.

"What are you doing here?" Klaus asked, puzzled. They were on the deck of a fast sailing boat, not a submarine as he might have expected.

"Saving you, for one thing," said Fiona. "Fernald and I got away from Olaf. We took his submarine and we're not working for him any more."

"I heard you did," said Klaus. "But you're not working for the V.F.D. either."

"We're on our own, but that's a good thing," said Fiona. "The V.F.D. is not the noble group we thought they were. Either side."

"Every noble person has failed us. Why shouldn't I join you instead of them?" said Klaus.

"Yes! I'm so glad," said Fiona.

"Fiona, I just noticed. You're not saying 'aye' anymore."

"That's because she has me to say it! Aye!" came a booming voice.

"Captain Widdershins!" exclaimed Klaus. "I thought you were lost!"

"I'm sorry I left so abruptly. Aye! But not to leave abruptly would be hesitating! Aye! And he who hesitates is lost!"

"Or she," corrected Fiona.

"Aye, or she," said Widdershins. "A woman came with a message from Fernald! Aye! Said she would take me to meet him! Aye! So Phil and I went with her in this boat."

"It hurt me when you did that," said Fiona, "But now that we're all together again I forgive you."

Klaus wondered if he and his siblings would ever be together again. He tried to turn his mind from his grief by asking one of the many questions he had wondered about Fiona.

"How did you get away from Olaf?" Klaus asked.

"It was easy, really," said Fiona. "When we got to the Hotel Denouement, Olaf, Esmé, and Carmelita wanted to be rowed ashore first, since they were the 'most important people'. Fernald rowed them. He was supposed to make a second trip for me and the rest of the luggage. Instead, he rowed back to the submarine and we simply took off."

"Olaf still had the Mycelium helmet," Klaus said.

"He kept hold of it. We didn't want to confront him -- it would have been three against two and he's very strong and cunning."

"He used the mushrooms and now scores of people are dead," said Klaus accusingly.

Fiona gasped.

"Hold on! Aye!" interjected Widdershins. "I suppose you did everything in your power to keep him from using those mushrooms? Aye?"

"We ran away," Klaus admitted shamefacedly.

"Then you have no standing to be accusing Fiona, have you? Aye?"

"You're right. I'm sorry, Fiona," said Klaus.

Phil came out of the cabin and embraced Klaus. "This is wonderful! The Captain's family is together again, you and Fiona have been reunited,..."

"My sisters may be dead," said Klaus coldly.

"They may not be. Let's look on the bright side. Not only that, but even Fernald has found someone!" said Phil.

"What?" said Klaus. This was something he had never imagined.

"Aye!" said Widdershins, "The woman who brought us the note loves Fernald, and he loves her. Aye! She's a fine, striking woman, too. Aye! She had to go back to town on urgent business. Aye! We dropped her off at the Gulag Archipelago late Tuesday afternoon and a man in a motorboat was going to pick her up."

"A short man with a high-pitched voice?" asked Klaus suspiciously.

"We didn't stay to meet him. Aye! He was just taking her to shore. Aye! A long, black automobile was going to meet her there. She said she was sad to be taken away from the man she loves, but she'll be back soon. Aye! Fernald is off with the Carmelita on urgent business, too. Once that's over we'll all be together."

"I see," said Klaus, a safe answer.

"Now, what about you two? Aye!" said Widdershins. "You said you'd join us. You wouldn't be trifling with my stepdaughter's affections, would you? Aye? You do care for her? Aye?"

"Aye, I mean, I do," said Klaus.

"And you, Fiona?" Captain Widdershins asked.

"I do, too," Fiona said.

"Then by the power vested in me as Captain of this ship, I pronounce you man and wife! Aye! You may kiss the bride," said Widdershins.

Both Klaus and Fiona were open-mouthed with astonishment.

Phil pushed them into the cabin. "I know you newlyweds would like some privacy. Oh, this is so romantic!"

"A-are we really married?" asked Klaus when they were alone.

"At sea a captain's word is law," said Fiona. "This is all so sudden... but.. I'm glad."

"He really doesn't hesitate, does he?" said Klaus. "But... I'm glad too."

They began to kiss, first shyly and then passionately.

I agree with Phil that they should have some privacy.


	4. Quigley

**Chapter 4**

The popular idea that a drowning person goes down three times is quite untrue. Sunny, for example, was going down for the second and last time when she felt a rope brush past her face. She clamped unto it with her strong teeth and the next moment found herself lifted out of the water by the bottom edge of a huge net.

She scaled the net mesh by mesh like a rope ladder, hanging on with her arms, legs, and teeth to avoid being blown off in the blasting wind. When she reached the top, she discovered that the net was hanging from a door in the floor of a large helicopter. The back of the helicopter was stuffed with an assortment of potted botanical samples. A familiar young man was piloting, concentrating so hard on keeping the helicopter aloft that he had not noticed her arrival at all.

"Quigley!" Sunny called out.

He looked around in surprise, and smiled when he saw her.

"Sunny, how did you get here?" Quigley asked.

"Climbed," Sunny answered.

"Your speech has really improved," Quigley said. "I understand you better."

"Polglot," said Sunny, reverting to her private language, which meant "I'm glad you find me more understandable, but I think my speech was more expressive before."

"Sunny, would you do me a favor? The net is catching the wind and dragging in the water and I'm having trouble keeping this helicopter flying. Would you please cut it loose? I worked two days to make it, but it's better to let it go than be dragged down with it."

Sunny attacked the ropes holding the net with her sharp teeth and soon had them cut free.

"Help Klaus, Violet?" she asked hopefully.

"All right," said Quigley. "I'll do some low runs and see if I can spot anyone."

Quigley ran the helicopter expertly back and forth but in the dark and rain they found no-one.

"Skilled," said Sunny. "Where learn heli?"

"Oh, it's just something I picked up," said Quigley evasively, a word which here means "not telling the truth."

Sunny picked up on this instantly. "Why lie?" she asked.

"Tell me first, is Olaf still after you?" Quigley asked.

"Olaf dead," Sunny said.

"That changes everything," said Quigley. "All right, I'll tell you the truth. I was recruited for the V.F.D. at age two and I've been intensively trained in everything from codes to disguises to flying helicopters."

"No fire?" Sunny asked sadly.

"There was a fire at my parent's home and they did die," said Quigley. "But I wasn't at home when it happened. V.F.D. trainees seldom get to visit home."

"Lied Mortmain. What changed?" Sunny asked.

"It has to do with recruiting rules," said Quigley. "Olaf had custody of you. That means he was recruiting you for the other side of the schism. Only he had the right to train you and initiate you into the secrets of the V.F.D. I tried to help you without breaking that rule."

"Olaf no training. Olaf stealing," said Sunny.

"It was still the rule," said Quigley. "We can't go around interfering with each other's takings. It would be chaos."

"Chaos anyway," said Sunny.

"Until he gave up or died, there were limits on what I could tell you. But it's all right now that he's dead. You can become full-fledged members on our side of the V.F.D."

"Don't want. Liars. Cruel," said Sunny.

"I saved your life," Quigley said icily. "At least you owe me something for that. I still have a mission to save Duncan and Isadora. Help me, or stay out of the way."

"Help," said Sunny sullenly.

"I've heard you're good at mixing things up in the kitchen," said Quigley. "What about going through those botanical samples and seeing if you can mix up something to repel eagles?"

For the rest of the night, Sunny worked with the plants -- sniffing, tasting, juicing and mixing. Making eagle repellant wasn't much like cooking, but she did her best.

She hoped her siblings had made it to safety somehow, but the doily of destiny and doom kept coming back to her mind. Her tears mingled with the recipe she was brewing.


	5. Fernald

**Not a chapter**

In the next few chapters I will be cutting back and forth between several scenes since people are still separated. Things may or may not be happening at exactly the same time. You might want to take the opportunity to cut this book back and forth a few times with a sharp saw, and find something less awful to read.

**Chapter 5**

The phrase "feeling the bottom drop out from under you" refers to the shock one experiences from a sudden, unexpected change that makes everything different, as if the floor of your apartment had been converted into a trap-door. It happened to the Baudelaires when they were told that their parents had died in a terrible fire. It happened to me once when a villain converted the floor of my apartment into a trap-door. And it had happened to Klaus and Fiona when Captain Widdershins suddenly pronounced them married.

Klaus and Fiona woke up together after their wedding night. They smiled at each other, but then a sad look crossed Klaus' face.

"What is it, Klaus?" asked Fiona.

"I'm still worried about Violet and Sunny," Klaus said.

"We have to hope they made it," said Fiona. "Violet's a good swimmer. Remember how well she swam against the current on our way out of the Gorgonian Grotto."

"But Sunny..." said Klaus. He was thinking that Sunny had never learned to swim. She was carried inside a diving helmet on that mission.

"There's still a chance. Maybe they stayed together and Violet helped Sunny."

"I have another reason to worry," said Klaus.

He got the waterproof envelope from his concierge uniform pocket and showed her the doily message.

"There's a device in the sugar bowl that can send messages from the future," he said. "Like this one. It says that one of us will die on October 19th, today."

"Maybe the message is false," said Fiona. "Anyway, there's nothing more we can do now but hope. Come on, let's get up and I'll show you around the ship."

The concierge suit was ruined, so Fiona found Klaus some old jeans and a shirt of hers that fit him. They walked around the deck (the weather had cleared up completely), and then down into the hold.

"Stepfather sleeps in this room on the right, and Phil's on the left," said Fiona. "This room... we're using it for a brig right now."

"A brig?" asked Klaus.

"We captured Kit yesterday," said Fiona. "Stepfather sent her a message to meet him. She came water-skiing behind a rubber raft with an outboard motor. When she saw what was up, she tried to water-ski away, but we caught her."

"Why did you capture her?" asked Klaus.

"To bring her to justice. We learned from Fernald that she's responsible for the loss of his hands," said Fiona.

"You're going to take her to the authorities?" asked Klaus.

"We'll do our own justice, but we'll have to wait until her child is born," said Fiona grimly.

"You can't take the law into your own hands!" said Klaus in dismay.

"We have a representative of the law on our side. Fernald's girlfriend just happens to be a High Court Justice," said Fiona.

Klaus felt the bottom drop out from under him again.

* * *

That same morning, the Duchess and I woke up together with splitting headaches and our arms tied behind our backs (after having been knocked out by the villainous counterfeiter Jarvis Simon). 

In the clear sky above us we could see the floating shape of the self-sustaining hot-air mobile home in which Duncan, Isadora, and Hector had escaped from the vile village of V.F.D. but which they had been unable to land since. It looked damaged, with rips all over the balloon fabric.

In the still water in front of us we could see the surfaced shape of the Carmelita, the octopus-shaped submarine that Fernald and Fiona had stolen from Count Olaf.

"Here we are, folks," said Jarvis breezily. "This is where I was taking you all along."

"You're a member of the unquiet side of the V.F.D. after all?" the Duchess asked.

"I'm an ordinary, everyday crook," said Jarvis. "I work for who pays best."

A hatch opened in the top of the Carmelita and Fernald pulled himself out with his hook-hands.

"Hi Jarvis," said Fernald. "Good work capturing those two. Where are the Baudelaires?"

"Washed overboard in the storm," said Jarvis.

"Fiona won't be happy about Klaus, but it's just as well," said Fernald. "Those brats always managed to mess up Olaf's plans and I wouldn't want the same thing happening to me."

"How's it going with the blimp attack?" asked Jarvis, pointing up at the hot-air mobile home.

"Pretty good," said Fernald. "I had to stop overnight because the eagles couldn't fly in the storm. I'm hoping to be done before Fiona and Widdershins get here."

"How did you end up with the eagles?" I asked Fernald.

"I don't see why I should answer your questions, Snicket," said Fernald. "Come on, Jarvis, let's put them in the brig until my darling Scylla gets here. There are a lot of V.F.D. secrets we can get out of them."

That name was enough to answer my first question. Scylla Charybdis was the real name of the woman with hair and no beard. I knew from my research in the Baudelaire case that she had taken Fernald off Mount Fraught in an eagle-borne net along with other captives. She must have won him to her side. When he returned to Olaf, he was secretly working for her.

As they marched us to the brig, Fernald and Jarvis continued to talk.

"What's taking so long to bring down the blimp, boss?" Jarvis asked. "You've been at it for two days."

Fernald cuffed Jarvis with the back of his right hook. "Don't criticize me. I put up with enough of that from Olaf. The eagles could have ripped it to shreds, but I've got to bring it down gently. There are secrets in the books Hector took from his library in the village... secrets we've got to have."

"You mean about the Isle of Forbidden Fruit and the F.F.P.?" asked Jarvis.

"Not in front of them!" said Fernald angrily.

They said nothing more until they had us locked in the brig.


	6. Rendezvous

**Chapter 6**

Captain Widdershins and Phil had woken up and now the sailing ship, the Siren, was speeding toward the rendezvous point with Fernald. Captain Widdershins wanted to arrive early to surprise Fernald and give him the joyous news about Fiona's marriage. Klaus was not sure Fernald and his sweetheart would feel very joyous.

"Ummm, Fiona," Klaus said. "Does Fernald's girlfriend have a very deep voice?"

"Yes," said Fiona. "It's a low, deep voice, but very pleasant."

"Does she have an aura of menace?" asked Klaus.

"I'd call it an aura of power. She wasn't menacing to us," said Fiona. "Do you know her?"

"I'm afraid I do," said Klaus. "I met her on Mount Fraught. I saw her kidnap the children that Count Olaf used for rowing slaves. She also wanted Sunny thrown off the mountain. Some people call her the woman with hair and no beard."

"No!" said Fiona. "It can't be. Fernald wouldn't fall for a woman like that... would he?"

"He might. He's used to villainy after working for so many years with Olaf," said Klaus. "If she orders Fernald to get rid of me, I don't know if our marriage will be enough to protect me."

"We won't let her!" said Fiona fiercely. "But maybe it won't be as bad as you think. Let's see what happens when we meet Fernald."

* * *

Sunny and Quigley were speeding by helicopter to the same point (though of course they didn't know about the rendezvous). 

"Hector home!" called Sunny, pointing to the self-sustaining hot-air mobile home low in the sky ahead of them. Slow leaks has caused it to lose altitude steadily overnight.

"I see it," said Quigley, "And there's the submarine that's attacking it."

As he spoke, a hatch opened in the top of the Carmelita and a cloud of eagles boiled out (a phrase which has nothing to do with the water cycle but which means that the eagles emerged swiftly and tumultuously).

"Let's see if that eagle repellant you made works," said Quigley.

Quigley flew the helicopter directly over the Deus Ex Machina (which was Hector's name for the self-sustaining hot air mobile home) and Sunny tipped pot after pot of her eagle-repelling concoction out of the door at the bottom. The wind from the copter blades spread it evenly over the balloon's surface.

The eagles swooped in to claw at the balloon, but the instant their nostrils caught a pungent whiff of Sunny's repellant they pulled out of their dives. So powerful was the brew that their conditioning was broken, and they all flew screeching away, never to be seen by Fernald again, heedless of his angry toots on the bird-whistle.

"Stinkout!" whooped Sunny in triumph.

They saw Fernald duck back inside the submarine, his face red with rage. A moment later, a long mechanical arm stretched out of the hatch. The end of it unfolded to form a large, flat surface. Too late, Sunny remembered Olaf's boast about an extra attack feature of the Carmelita.

"Swatter!" she warned.

It was too late. The swatter came down hard on the top of the copter, breaking the rotor. The copter dropped onto the top of the Deus Ex Machina, causing the already-weakened balloon to begin to collapse. Quigley and Sunny scrambled out of the bottom of the helicopter and clung to the smelly surface by the small rips left by previous eagle attacks. They got out just in time, because the swatter slipped under the helicopter like a tanning-salon spatula and flipped it off into the sea.

The Deus Ex Machina slowly lost altitude until it hit the surface of the water. Sunny saw the Carmelita closing in, and Fernald and Jarvis preparing to board, looking murderous. Quigley, looking the other direction, saw a fast sailing ship heading their way.

* * *

The Siren sailed up between the Carmelita and the Deus Ex Machina. 

"Fernald!" Fiona yelled "What are you doing?"

Fernald cursed under his breath. "Rescuing these poor people whose balloon just crashed, of course," he said aloud.

Captain Widdershins and the crew of the Siren pulled Hector, Duncan, Isadora, Quigley, and Sunny out of the water. There were tearful reunions. Klaus hugged Sunny. Quigley hugged his siblings. All the Quagmires hugged Klaus and Sunny (though Sunny was still unhappy with Quigley).

"Violet?" Sunny asked Klaus.

Klaus shook his head. "Still missing."

Quigley looked extremely upset at hearing this. Duncan looked worried.

"We didn't just crash," Hector told Captain Widdershins. "He's been trying to bring us down for two days and he finally succeeded."

"Who do you trust?" Fernald asked. "Me, or a bunch of V.F.D. agents?"

"You. Aye!" said the Captain.

"Them!" said Klaus at the same instant.

Fernald stared at Klaus. "You? What are you doing here?"

"He's my husband!" cried Fiona, putting an arm around Klaus.

"Aye, they were married last night," said Widdershins.

Fernald cursed under his breath again.

"We can't trust anyone who works for the V.F.D.," Fernald said. "I'm going to put them all in the brig. Except Klaus, for your sake, Fiona."

Sunny, the Quagmires, and Hector were shocked. Klaus was married into the enemy gang that was taking them prisoner! Sunny gave Klaus a curious look. Duncan, Quigley, and Hector each gave him a searching stare. Isadora gave him a hostile glare.

Fernald and Jarvis collected the prisoners. As he passed close to Klaus, Fernald whispered, "I have your sister and friends as hostages, so you'd better behave."

Jarvis marched the hostages down the hatch of the Carmelita.

"We need to collect something off the airship before it sinks," Fernald said. "Klaus, come with me. I need your bookworm skills."

"I'm coming too," said Fiona, not trusting Fernald alone with Klaus.

Fernald, Klaus, and Fiona boarded the sinking Deus Ex Machina and quickly located a large room with shelves full of books.

"Why are there so many books?" Fernald complained. "I just need one, the book about the Female Finnish Pirates."

"There's a card catalog over there," Fiona pointed out.

"A card what?" asked Fernald.

Klaus began to flip through the subject index. "Pianos, Pietas,.. no Pirates. Not under Female or Finnish, either. Anything else that might be in the book?"

"The Isle of Forbidden Fruit," said Fernald reluctantly.

"Got it," said Klaus. "Under 753 for myths and legends."

They swiftly located the book and got out before the Deus Ex Machina sank.

"Why did you want a book about The Isle of Forbidden Fruit?" Fiona asked.

"That's where we're going next," said Fernald.


	7. Pirates

**Not a Chapter**

I will have to digress a little (which here means "go back to the point at which the Baudelaires were washed overboard") to cover what happened to Violet.

**Chapter 7**

Violet was a strong swimmer. She didn't panic; she kept swimming around to try to find the boat. But in the dark and rain it was impossible. She tried to cry out for help but the wind just carried her voice away. It seemed like she swam for hours, but in fact it was only about twenty minutes later, when a life-preserving ring was tossed in front of her.

As Violet grabbed it, she noticed the elaborate knot that tied the rope to the life-preserver. She recognized it as a Devil's Tongue knot, invented by female Finnish pirates in the fifteenth century. Violet herself had used this extremely strong knot on several occasions, including the time she and her siblings climbed an ersatz elevator shaft with a rope made from neckties.

Violet was pulled up to the deck of a large wooden sailing ship. Women in outlandish pirate costumes surrounded her. They talked among themselves in a language she could not understand.

"Hello, or as we say, terve," said a tall woman with long blond hair. "My name is Pirate Jenni, and I am Captain of this ship. We were looking for you."

"What? Why would you be looking for me?" asked Violet.

"We have a prophecy about this day. Invaders from the outside world in a terrible ship of metal will come to our island to kill us and steal our fruit. Only with the help of a girl we draw from the water can we defeat them," said Jenni.

"I am Pirate Ulla, the first mate," said a second woman. "I have doubt about this so-called prophecy. What sign can you show us that you will be on our side? I think maybe we should throw you back."

Violet wanted to tie her hair back in order to think better, but both the ribbon and her hair were soaked. She pulled the ribbon from her pocket anyway and tied the ends into a perfect Devil's Tongue knot. The pirates cheered.

"That is good," said Jenni. "We accept you as honorary Female Finnish Pirate. These are my crew: Pirate Eeva, Pirate Ronja, Pirate Ulla, and Pirate Sisko."

"Then I am Pirate Violet," said Violet with a smile.

"Do you know how we can defeat the ship of metal?" asked Pirate Eeva.

"It might help if you had a metal ship of your own," said Violet. "I know where to get one. If you have a map I can show you the place -- Briny Beach."

"Wonderful," said Pirate Ronja. "The prophecy is coming true."

"That reminds me... There's something else we'll need," said Violet. "I'll get it while we're in that area."

The pirates set off at once for Briny Beach. They were such good sailors the storm was no hindrance, but in fact helped them to sail at top speed.

**Not a Chapter**

This is the end of the digression. The story resumes its normal time sequence starting in the next chapter, if you could ever call such a dreadful series of events "normal."


	8. Isle

**Chapter 8**

The Siren and the Carmelita continued their journey to the Isle of Forbidden Fruit. As they got close to the island, thick fog wrapped around them.

"Fernald said there's fog here all the time," Fiona told Klaus. "That's why it has never been charted."

"What is he trying to find there?" Klaus asked.

"Forbidden fruit," Fiona said. "I guess."

Klaus said "Originally that meant fruit from the Garden of Eden, then it came to mean anything people want just because it's forbidden. I wish I'd been able to read that book we found."

Both ships landed at the dock of a small village. Fernald and Jarvis got off the Carmelita. Widdershins, Fiona, and Klaus got off the Siren.

"The village seems to be deserted. Aye!" said Widdershins.

"That's good," said Fernald. "We can get a jump on the pirates when they come back."

"Unless they're hiding in the forest, waiting to get a jump on us," said Jarvis nervously.

"We need to find the fruit trees," said Fernald. "Scylla will be here any minute and I'd like to tell her I know where to look. I can't make sense out of this old book. Here, bookworm, make yourself useful."

He handed the book to Klaus, who took it eagerly and began to skim through it.

"The plane, boss, the plane!" said Jarvis.

A small hydroplane landed in the lagoon and splashed up to the dock. Scylla Charybdis, the woman with hair and no beard, jumped out. Fernald ran to her and she gave him a quick kiss.

"Has everything gone smoothly, Fernald?" she asked.

"Just fine," said Fernald.

"How are my eagles?" Scylla asked.

"Well... they all flew away. Quigley put something on the airship that repelled them," said Fernald.

"What incompetence! But at least you sank it and destroyed those volunteers," said Scylla.

"Well... I thought it would cause trouble if Fiona and Widdershins saw me do that, so I just took them prisoner."

"What weakness! But that can be remedied later," said Scylla. "Do you have the book we needed? Have you found any clues?"

"Klaus is checking it over now," said Fernald.

"Klaus? He's not only here and alive but you let him read the book? What idiocy!"

Scylla shoved Fernald aside and charged over to Klaus. "Give me that!" she demanded, snatching the book from him.

"Don't you dare..." Fiona started to say, but now Fiona saw that Scylla truly had an aura of menace. She backed off, subdued.

Scylla glanced at the book, which was open to the page Klaus had been reading.

"We have to find the Corridors of Skulls," she said. "They are the only passage to the trees."

* * *

In the brig of the Carmelita, the prisoners were working out a plan. The Duchess and I had freed ourselves of our ropes long before, but there was no point trying to escape while at sea. Now that we had landed we had a chance. 

"I know the security systems of this sub," I said. "Kit designed it before Olaf stole it and she showed me the plans. For example, there's an emergency code on the electronic door lock to keep from accidentally getting locked in."

I held down the zero key on the numeric code pad with my thumb and punched in a three-digit code. The door slid open.

"Grantastic!" said Sunny, reverting to a private word expressing approval.

"We can't go out the top hatch," said Duncan. "We'd be spotted for sure."

"There's another way out, but it'll be harder," I said. "I don't think we can all make it unless we can find air tanks."

"I spotted a diving equipment room on our way in," said Quigley.

We found three tanks of compressed air with breathing masks. We also found the controls for the intake tube of the octopus "mouth" that had captured the Queequeg once. I turned the tube as close to the surface as I could.

"We'll swim out the tube, in pairs with strong swimmers helping weaker ones. We can share breaths from the air tanks. The strong swimmers can bring the tanks back in and help the next person get out," I said.

"Scouts?" asked Sunny.

"Yes, we'll have to help the Snow Scouts escape, too," said Isadora.

* * *

While we were doing this, the land party walked all around the shore of the island looking for the entrance to the Corridors of Skulls. 

Finally, Klaus suggested, "The passage about the Corridors of Skulls said something about a volcanic trap. It seems to me they would have to be inland, closer to the volcano in the center of the island."

"Shut up, smart guy," said Fernald, still angry over failing to impress Scylla.

"He's right, we have to go inland," said Scylla.

Soon they found it, a tunnel into the volcanic rocks completely lined with human skulls.

"The book said the pirates built these corridors from the skulls of their enemies over many years," Klaus said. "It also said if you can't find the prime path then your own skull will be added to them."

Fernald picked up a rock and tossed it into the tunnel. The moment it hit the bottom of the passage there was a click and a blast of super-heated air shot down the tunnel. It would have scorched his fingers if he had any.

"Since you're so smart, Klaus, you go ahead and figure it out," said Fernald.

"No!" cried Fiona.

"We have a lot of spare Snow Scouts," said Scylla. "If Klaus won't do it we can solve it by trial and error."

"I'll do it," said Klaus.


	9. Fruit

**Chapter 9**

Klaus scratched the numbers from one to fifty on the ground with a stick, then began crossing certain numbers out.

"Are you stalling?" Fernald demanded. "What are you waiting for?"

"I'm checking something. See that small 'XLI' carved in the rock near the entrance?"

"The initials of another secret organization? Aye?" Widdershins asked.

"No, it's the number 41 in Roman numerals," said Klaus. "It's a prime number. It has no divisors but itself and one."

"So?" asked Scylla.

"The book didn't say to find the best path. It said to find the prime path. My theory is that the prime-numbered skulls on the path are safe and the others will trigger the trap." said Klaus.

"Klaus, don't risk your life on a theory," Fiona pleaded.

"I can't let innocent people be put in danger," Klaus said. "I have to try it."

Klaus took a deep breath and stepped on the second skull in the corridor. It didn't trigger. He stepped on the third skull, then skipped one to step on the fifth. It seemed to be working. He let out the breath he was holding.

Scylla called out to him, "Come back with fruit, or not at all!"

She pulled a miniature pistol from her pocket and pointed it down the corridor at him to enforce her threat.

Klaus could hear Fiona sobbing.

He went on to seven. Next was eleven; he would have to step over the next three. It was a bit of a stretch with his short legs, but he made it. Skip one to 13, then another stretch to 17. Next was 19, another easy one. Then 23, a stretch again.

It was hot in the tunnel and he felt sweat dripping down his face. Volcanic rumblings came from deep in the earth. The next step... he couldn't step on 24, 25, 26, 27, or 28. He tried to jump over five skulls. He landed off balance and nearly fell. He saved himself only by getting one foot onto 31.

The next one, 37, was the worst. He had to jump another five, and there was no easy save if he lost his balance this time. The next safe step was at 41. He took deep breaths, trying to fight panic. And this time the leap was perfect.

The 41st was a round rock landing between corridors. Two paths branched out from here. He had to make a decision: did he keep counting or reset to zero? The numbers he saw carved in the rock settled both questions. One was XII and the other XVII. He chose the prime and began the count again... 2,3,5,7,11,13,17.

On the next branch there was almost no light. Klaus wished he had thought to bring a flashlight. Fortunately, he could read the carved numbers on the wall by touch. The correct corridor this time had only eleven steps.

From there it was a plain rock passage without skulls. Klaus followed it around the bend and emerged into a narrow valley with sheer cliffs on every side. Fruit trees were growing in the middle of it. The fruits were large, pear-shaped, purple-green in color, and with a smell midway between peaches and old socks.

Klaus picked one fruit to carry in each hand. There was no way to take more safely. The rumbling was getting louder and the rocks were shaking now. Even so, he reversed his steps painstakingly, a word which here means "being painfully careful to avoid worse pains caused by triggering a lethal trap."

As Klaus entered the last corridor, he heard Fernald ask Syclla, "What is the secret of the fruit, anyway?"

"The legends say the Female Finnish Pirates have lived here isolated for centuries. What kept them from dying off? This fruit holds the secret of human longevity, if not immortality," Scylla explained.

Klaus emerged into the open air. Fiona gasped with relief and hugged him. Syclla snatched the fruit from his hands.

"It's good that so much of the V.F.D. has been wiped out by Olaf's mushrooms," Syclla said. "So many less people I have to worry about sharing this secret. If we can also get the sugar bowl, think of the possibilites. Wealth, power, and endless time to enjoy them!"

"Do I get a share?" Fernald asked.

"Yes, darling, you do," said Scylla. "In spite of your incompetence I still have a soft spot for you, you and your kinky hooks!"

Scylla bit into one of the fruits and offered him the other.

"Wait!" Klaus said. "I just thought of something."

"I don't care what you thought of," said Fernald, biting off a large chunk of fruit, then another.

"Why are there only Female Finnish Pirates? Why no Male Finnish Pirates?" Klaus asked. "Maybe it only works for women... or worse..."

Fernald suddenly doubled over in pain.

"...maybe it poisons men," Klaus finished.

"You -- you knew this could happen," said Fernald to Scylla in shocked horror.

"I considered the possibility, of course," said Scylla. "But I was willing to take the risk."

Fernald slashed wildly at her with his left hook with his last strength, but Scylla jumped back out of range. Fernald collapsed to the ground.

Widdershins charged at Scylla. "You monster, you've poisoned my stepson!"

Jarvis interposed himself between Widdershins and Scylla, swinging his blackjack, but Widdershins was too angry to care. He grabbed Jarvis in a bear-hug. They whirled around as if in a dance, with Jarvis clubbing away at the Captain's head.

Suddenly, Widdershins and Jarvis stumbled into the mouth of the Corridors of Skulls. There was a blast of superheated air...

"Stepfather!" cried Fiona.

Fiona ran at Scylla, and so did Klaus, to try to save Fiona. Scylla fired her minature pistol, dropping them both.

From above on the mountain there came a powerful rumble. The last triggering of the trap was too much for the unstable volcanic system. Molten rock began to cascade down the mountain. Scylla turned and ran.

Klaus crawled to Fiona's side. Both were too wounded to move fast... and the wall of lava was flowing their way.


	10. Rescuers

**Chapter 10**

Klaus heard footsteps approaching them. He hoped they were friends and not pirates, but he was feeling too weak to raise his head.

"Why did you drag us up here, Quigley?" came the voice of Isadora Quagmire. "It would have been safer to stay with the others."

"I want to scope out the lay of the land for when we have to fight," said Quigley. "I've mapped some narrow rock passages would make good ambush points. The pirates have placed large rocks with levers ready to drop them down on someone."

"Oh no! Klaus is hurt!" Isadora cried, running to him.

"It looks like our enemies have had a falling out," said Duncan. "That helps us, but I wish Klaus hadn't gotten in the middle of it."

"Help... me and Fiona..." Klaus called out weakly.

"I'll help you, Klaus. I don't know about Fiona," said Isadora. "She dragged you into this mess."

"We'll rescue both," said Quigley. "We need to know what the woman with hair and no beard was up to. Both look badly hurt. If we just rescue Klaus he might die before he can talk and we won't have Fiona to interrogate."

"Quigley, you're so cold it's scary," said Isadora.

"I'm just dedicated to the cause, that's all," said Quigley. "Let's get them moved out before the lava gets any closer."

Duncan and Quigley lifted Klaus and Fiona, respectively, in a firefighter's carry. The three Quagmires continued to argue as they walked down the hill.

"Sunny thought you were cold, too," said Isadora to Quigley. "When we were all in the brig she wouldn't talk to you."

"She found out I lied to them at the Valley of the Four Drafts," said Quigley. "Pretty soon she'll put two and two together and realize you lied to them at Prufrock, too. You pretended not to be trained V.F.D. agents, just like me."

"We had to keep our cover there," said Duncan. "But when we were being carried away on the Deus ex Machina, we both dropped our notebooks to them. Real notebooks with real V.F.D. secrets, not a decoy 'commonplace book' like the one you used to fool them."

"It was the least we could do after they rescued us from that clammy statue," said Isadora. "But the notebooks were hit by a harpoon and all the pages scattered."

"You're lucky that happened," said Quigley. "That was a serious rule violation and you could have been disciplined for it."

"You'd never break the rules, even for someone you care about? Like Violet?" Duncan asked.

"I didn't really care about her. I used my charm on her so she wouldn't think too hard about the holes in my story," said Quigley. "I'm upset she's dead, though."

"We don't know she's dead. Don't say that," said Duncan.

The Quagmires reached the place in the woods where the other escaped prisoners were hiding. They reported what they had seen.

"It's safe to come out of hiding," said Isadora. "Only the woman with hair and no beard is left."

"Careful... She's armed..." Fiona told them in a gasping voice.

"I think we can risk going to the docks," I said. "We can take the Carmelita or the Siren and get out of here."

The Carmelita was not at the docks when we got there. It was moving out into the lagoon.

"How can it work without rowers?" asked one of the Snow Scouts.

"Kit designed a self-propelled mode, too," I said. "Olaf never knew about it, but the machine was in the hands of the man with beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard for a long while. They must have figured it out."

"I wonder why she didn't take the hydroplane," the Duchess said.

"Because she wanted to fight that," I said, pointing to the pirate ship which was just now arriving in the lagoon.


	11. Prophecy

**Chapter 11**

The Carmelita shot through the water toward the slower-moving pirate ship. The latter began firing its cannon, but the shots simply bounced off the hard metal head and arms of the submarine. The swatter deployed, preparing to smash the other vessel to bits.

Suddenly, the watchers on shore saw another, smaller, metal shape cutting through the water.

"Queequeg!" cried Sunny.

"Who could be piloting it? Violet?" Duncan wondered aloud.

The Carmelita sucked in the Queequeg like an octopus eating a shrimp. A moment later there was a huge explosion and the Carmelita now resembled an octopus that had eaten a sea mine by mistake. Bits of metal tentacles flew everywhere.

The onlookers gasped. Had the Queequeg staged a suicide attack?

The pirate ship pulled into the dock and the Female Finnish Pirates poured out, sabers drawn.

"Stop!" called a familiar voice. "These are my friends!"

"Violet!" Sunny yelled.

Violet strode ashore, dressed in a new purple-red pirate costume. She was hugged by everyone.

"How do that?" Sunny asked her.

"I managed to set the boilers so they would overheat and explode, set the course and lashed the wheel, and got out the diving hatch. We sailed in first, to lure the Carmelita into position. Just as I hoped, the Carmelita took the bait."

Just then, there was a huge rumble and we all turned around. The volcano had gotten much worse and now a wall of lava was crawling toward the small village.

"Oh no!" cried Pirate Ulla. "Our homes will be destroyed!"

"Violet... look at Quigley's map!" Klaus called out.

"I'm so glad you're here, Quigley. What did you map?" Violet asked.

"Just some narrow rock channels, and places where huge boulders could be tipped into them," said Quigley.

Violet took a new purple-red ribbon from the pocket of her pirate costume and tied back her hair.

"I see..." she said. "Given the direction of the lava flow, if we drop boulders in these three places, it will divert the lava away from the village."

Violet showed the pirates the map and three of them raced off to try her plan. It worked; the lava only got a few feet closer to the village before stopping and beginning to cool.

"Pirate Violet, you saved us as the prophecy said," Pirate Jenni told her. "What can we do for you and your friends?"

"First, my brother and Fiona are hurt and they need immediate treatment. Do you have any modern medical supplies?"

"Yes," said Jenni. "We have stolen many medicines from ships. They can be treated in my home."

She gave immediate orders for her crew to help the wounded couple.

"What else can I do for you?"

"Second, tell me about this prophecy. When and how did it come to you?" Violet asked.

"About a year ago, a paper like a large snowflake appeared here in the village square. It told of this time, when we would need the help of a girl from the sea against a metal monster-ship," said Jenni.

Violet drew from an inner pocket the Vessel for Disaccharides. "You left this hidden in the taxi, Lemony," she told me. "I thought we might need it, so I got it while we were getting the Queequeg. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," I said. "I'm glad I didn't have it on me, because the Duchess and I were captured."

"Pirate Jenni, was the message in English?" Violet asked.

"No, in Finnish," said the pirate leader.

"In that case..." Violet opened the sugar bowl and removed one of the doilies that was folded into the lid. "Would you write the prophecy on this paper?"

Jenni handed it back when she was done. "This looks very like the prophecy itself. It was on paper just like this."

Violet attached two metal clips from the device in the sugar bowl to the doily, set a dial, and pushed a button. The doily vanished.

"One prophecy, coming up," Violet said triumphantly. "Or rather, came up."

"Other prophecy today," Sunny reminded her sadly.

"Oh no!" said Violet. "I'd almost forgotten the death message. Klaus! We have to do everything we can to make sure he survives."

The sun was already setting. Klaus and Fiona lay in beds beside each other. They reached out and held hands.

"Tell me, Klaus, did you think of a food you loved very much to remember me?" Fiona asked.

"My heart was broken, but I did," said Klaus. "Custard eclairs."

"That's a nice food," said Fiona. "Thank you. Klaus?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry I got you into this. My stepfather and I were fools to trust that Fernald was reformed."

"It's not your fault. You wanted to think the best of your brother... Fiona?"

"Yes, Klaus?"

"I'm not going to make it, you know. Remember that doily I showed you? A Baudelaire is going to die today. It's going to be me. Just remember, I loved you very much. Custard eclairs."

"You're forgetting something..." Fiona said, gasping. "We were married today. I'm... Fiona... Baudelaire. Goodbye... Custard eclairs..."

Then she breathed her last.


	12. Funeral

**Chapter 12**

The next morning we held a funeral for Fiona, Fernald, and Captain Widdershins. (We had found Kit and Phil on the Siren by this time. For once, Phil could not find anything cheerful to say.) I gave the eulogies.

"Fiona Baudelaire was a brave volunteer, loyal to her family and to the man she loved," I said. "She died as the result of trying to stop the woman who caused the death of her stepfather and brother. At the last, she gave up her will to live in order to save her husband, Klaus."

Klaus was sitting in the front with his two sisters beside him. He wept at this.

"Captain Ishmael Widdershins also had a good heart. He wanted to believe the best about his stepson, Fernald. He also wanted the best for the V.F.D. When he showed the article about me to Beatrice and others, it was because he honestly believed it was true.

"Fernald Screwtape also originally had a good heart. He took it hard when his father abandoned the family to take a darker path as 'the man with a beard and no hair'. Later, that man had Fernald and Fiona's mother killed to prevent her talking about him, and made her death look like a manatee accident.

"Fernald loved caring for the salmon of the Voluntary Fish Domestication project, and he strongly objected when our side of the schism turned from our ideals and began to use poison against our enemies. He especially hated the research by Gregor Anwhistle into Medusoid Mycelium. One day, he set fire to Anwhistle Aquatics in hopes of stopping this research.

"I have learned through my investigations that Captain Widdershins helped him do this. At the time, only Fernald was blamed. He was caught and sentenced by a secret tribunal of the V.F.D. to row in the penal submarine Octopus, now the Carmelita. Nerve damage from excessive rowing caused the loss of his hands.

"Count Olaf stole that submarine and turned all the galley slaves into his theater troupe. Captain Widdershins only recently learned what had happened to his stepson. When he did, it turned him against the V.F.D., especially against my sister Kit, who designed the Octopus and who was the head of the secret tribunal who punished Fernald. I believe that she will now admit she was wrong to do this."

"I will not!" Kit exclaimed. "It is right to punish traitors, and that's what Fernald was!"

Klaus stood up, his eyes red. "How dare you! Your cruelty drove Fiona's whole family into crime and death."

"Parents!" cried Sunny, which meant "You helped our parents commit murder, too."

Quigley stood up, "I agree with Kit. You just don't understand how the V.F.D. works for the greater good."

Violet was up next. "Quigley, I know now that you lied and manipulated us at the Valley of the Four Drafts. Klaus told me what you said, that you never really cared about me. I loved you, but now I hate you!"

Duncan and Isadora joined the squabble and soon the whole room was full of shouting. Finally, Kit walked to the back of the room.

"I'm leaving," Kit announced. "I've had enough of this funeral for traitors. Anyone who wants to remain loyal to the true V.F.D., follow me."

Quigley walked back and joined her. He beckoned to Duncan and Isadora, but they shook their heads.

"Kit, don't do this," I called to her. "This is another schism."

"My beloved Dewey gave his life for the cause, and so will I," Kit said.

"Dewey wouldn't want this," I said.

"Goodbye," said Kit.

Kit and Quigley left the building. We heard the engine of the hydroplane starting. Sadly, I resumed the funeral where we had left off.


	13. Messages

**Chapter 13**

A week later, after we gave Klaus time to rest and heal, we sailed back to the city in the Siren. The Snow Scouts were reunited with their families at last. The Duchess R. had gone on a new mission with the help of the Female Finnish Pirates.

The three Baudelaires, the two remaining Quagmires, and I were having breakfast at the Veritable French Diner.

"Yesterday I sent the warning to myself sixteen years in past, about Beatrice," I told the others. "Alas, I know it will not save her."

"Why send it, then?" asked Isadora.

"It gave me hope for fifteen years, trying to get the warning to her," I said.

"False hope," said Klaus.

"False hope is still hope," I said. "Without it I might well have succumbed to despair over losing her love."

I placed the sugar bowl on the table and took another doily out of my pocket.

"This would be a good place to send the warning about Fiona. Jerome Squalor used to eat breakfast here every day between 7:30 and 8:30AM."

"No!" said Klaus. "There was no hope in that message. It only caused us grief."

"You fought harder to live when Fiona died," Violet said gently. "So her sacrifice wouldn't be in vain."

"Both," said Sunny, meaning, "If not for that message we might have lost both of you."

Klaus gave us a look of bitter sadness.

"I wrote the message with my left hand to disguise my writing," I said. "I don't know how it got torn, but it seems more honest to send the full message."

The doily read, "Fiona Baudelaire will die October 19, 2xxx."

I placed the doily in the clips. The instant before I pressed the button, Klaus cried "Don't!" and grabbed the paper. The doily tore as it vanished, leaving the piece that read "Fiona" in his hand.

Klaus put his head on the table and covered his face with his arms. "Now would you please destroy that cursed thing?"

"I can't," I said. "It has to send a message to the Kornbluths in 41 years."

Klaus moaned.

"I have to stay on the run to keep it safe," I said. "It could fall into the wrong hands and do a lot of harm before it gets to Dale Kornbluth. Anyway, I have a good use for it."

"What?" asked Sunny.

For answer, I removed a letter from my pocket and handed it to Violet. "This letter to Olaf from one of his henchmen was intercepted right after your stay with Montgomery Montgomery. Notice anything odd about it?"

Violet read through the first part. "It mentions a book called 'The Reptile Room' at a library. The book describes the reptiles in Uncle Monty's collection and how we waved goodbye to them when they were taken."

"How could a book be published and in a library so soon after it happened?" Duncan asked.

"Exactly," I said. "After I got that letter I did some investigation. A whole series of books is being published about you. I swore when your mother, Beatrice, died that I would write such a series in her memory, but my research has only begun."

"You think you're writing them from the future?" asked Violet.

"Yes," I said. "An author named Daniel Handler has been getting doilies from me and having them published as books. For security reasons, he is pretending that the manuscripts are being delivered in all sorts of obscure ways. The tenth book was going to come out before the meeting at the Hotel Denouement, so I asked him to include a message to Kit in it."

"That's a lot of doilies," said Duncan.

"I got hold of most of the contents of the crate of them that Sunny broke open at Veblen Hall," I said.

"You've read the books?" Isadora asked.

"That would be cheating. I swore to write them using my own research. But interviews with all of you from time to time would help me immensely," I said.

"Why do you have to use the time machine to publish them?" Klaus asked. "What's wrong with the normal way?"

"I'm still hoping when Kit and Quigley read about all your sufferings, and all the confusion you went through because the V.F.D. would not give you information, that they'll have a change of heart and mend the new schism. They're not heartless, you know, just fanatically dedicated."

"I hope you succeed," said Violet. "In the mean time, we're still on the run from the law. The man with a beard and no hair is still after us. I doubt we'll ever be able to claim our fortune."

"You're welcome to come with me," I said. "I'm on the run too and I know a great deal about disguises."

"No," said Klaus. "I can't stand the idea of traveling with someone who's always writing about us."

"We'll go with you, Klaus" said Isadora.

"That's right," said Duncan.

"You sure?" asked Sunny.

"Yes," said the two Quagmires together.

The five children left, leaving me alone to begin writing on a doily:

"Dear Mr. Handler,

My name is Lemony Snicket, and I hope you will be able to help me. You are my last hope that the unfortunate tales of the Baudelaire orphans can be told to the world..."


End file.
